1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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