Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
