I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
