I think I won the penis lottery.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
