So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i came on her dog
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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