i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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