Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
