Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
