I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
