Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
