stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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