You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
So many bounce houses so little time
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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