and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
