If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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