I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
