I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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