I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize