what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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