we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
