i don't like sucking hair
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
