Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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