her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
