Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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