I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize