sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
