Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
