I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
