Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
