dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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