my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
