I hate your face
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
