Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
