The maid of honor just puked.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Randomize
