Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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