i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
