I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If I die, sorry about rent.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
