I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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