i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
