You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
