I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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