Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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