he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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