Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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