im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
