What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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