i think my tv is drunk
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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