so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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