The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
