I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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