I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
