I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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