i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
