Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
