hell yes lets make some ravioli
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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