woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
