i don't like sucking hair
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
