when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
