I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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