Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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